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NEWS of the ABSURD

As if mankind isn't already headed the wrong way down a one-way street, we now have another threat of genocide to deal with. I'm speaking of cows, of course. On March 19, a woman and her dog were minding their own business, hiking through Wildcat Regional Park in El Cerrito, California, when they came upon a group of eight cows. Gwyneth Barton-Horn and her dog, Lucy, began to walk around the herd and the next thing they knew, a black cow was charging them. Barton-Horn was forced to the ground and crouched into a ball while an unspecified number of hooves trampled her. Lucy was chased also, and both ended up in their respective hospitals. They're both fine now, but are much more weary of these underrated killers. Why is it that we're only afraid of sharks and lions and snakes? How about the damned, hell-spawned cattle?! Sure, they look stupid and they smell, but don't a lot of murderers and cops, too? There you go. I say we all truck it on over to our nearest burger joint and wage war on those cud-chewing bastards. Don't let this become an epidemic! Remember what I just said about murderers being stupid? My proof: In Ft. Myers, Florida a man killed a couple and made it extremely easy for the cops to find him. Tyreen Donell Vereen killed the pair and then stole their car, in which he was picked-up by police two miles from the crime scene. When arrested, Vereen wore two of the slain man's rings and another was found in the car. Police found shoes matching treads left at the couple's house in Vereen's home, as well as the their photo album. At Vereen's girlfriend's home, police found the couple's stereo, two VCR's, speakers and remote control, two bracelets, a watch and a woman's ring. Talk about your idiots! Look, here's some free advice to any would-be killers out there: if you're going to kill someone, and I'm by no means condoning it, make sure you leave the area! Two miles just isn't enough. And, speaking of leaving, don't take the victim's car! See, that's what police look for first. You know what, just don't kill anyone. It's too hard to get away with and, frankly, it's not very nice.

Are You McShitting Me?

In mid-April a group of fed-up teens, working the coal mines that are McDonald's, went on strike. The group of 15 picketers carried their signs and yelled nasty things at the restaurant in Macedonia, Ohio. The kids said they didn't like the way their managers treated them. Seventeen year-old Melissa Dowdell said, "You get called jerks and stupid." Hey, Melissa, you stupid jerk, wake-up and smell the freshly brewed coffee! But, please, don't dump it on yourself. Thanks. Listen, these punks don't deserve a damn thing. I've worked in food service. I know customers can be a little grouchy and management asks for a lot, but guess what? That's called work, you little twit! If you can't hack it, go back home and listen for the Menudo reunion tour to swing through your town. You're lucky you're only 17 and this really won't affect you. If you were 27 and pulled this shit you'd be out of a job and very hard pressed to find another one. Employers don't like troublemakers and, generally, neither does anyone else. Unfortunately, another group of whining limp-wrists got involved. The local Teamsters saw an opportunity to make money and headlines, so they showed up, hoisted a few signs (but only after donning lifting belts and gloves) and offered to unionize each and every one of the little primadonas. And, in the midst of it all, to show they were serious, to show they really meant it, the union strongarms blocked a UPS truck from delivering buns to the restaurant. Um, wait a minute ... isn't UPS already a dues-paying union member? Whoops. Of course, I guess it's nothing less than what you'd expect from an organization that fired its last boss due to illegal campaign contributions, and is seeing its former political director being brought up on charges of mail fraud and embezzlement. The grossly unnecessary strike ended five days after it began, without any union deal, but has since resurfaced. Just three weeks ago the workers announced they were ready to sign those union cards. The workers claimed that agreements made to end the strike were not being carried out and, more importantly, it's just too darn hard to work there. How does sitting at home with no pay while some idiot who never worked a day in his life hammers out a deal for you sound? I hope it sounds flipping great, because that's you! You've blown your ace, ace. Who's going to fire some teens from their after school jobs? No one. Who's going to hold out while a bunch of knuckle-dragging dolts make demands an owner-operated burger joint can't meet? Everyone! You better get some awfully good grades in school, boys and girls, cause you're already one strike down.

Making Huge Strides ... Backwards

I'm beginning to think it's never going to end. Does anyone really care about racism? Apparently not the fine city of Daytona Beach, Florida. City officials are teetering on eliminating Black College Reunion Week. The discussion comes after this year's festivities left an Orlando man dead and two police officers wounded. Of course, during this year's spring break a white college student fell to his death the very first weekend! Then there are the numerous arrests, public drunkenness, etc. ... Why is it OK that white people can party and rip the town down, but black people can't? And isn't one death just as bad as another, whether by gunshot or fall? If neither event had been going on, two more people would be alive. This all comes after business owners in Daytona Beach leveled complaints against the city to bring more kids to the area. Sounds like Whitey's got a plan ... Unfortunately, May wasn't very redeeming for black people. Two separate Denny's restaurants have been charged with lawsuits for not serving black customers, and in both cases other patrons rebuffed the claims, saying no one, black or white, was being treated well. This follows a more shocking blow as James Hood, the man who broke the color barrier at the University of Alabama admitted to lying about witnessing the beating and burning of his uncle at the hands of the KKK some 25 years ago. That comes six months after U.S. District Judge James Ware revealed he lied in claiming to be the brother of a black teenager killed by whites in 1963. I know, I know, the media only reports the bad stuff. But it sure would be nice if there was no bad to report at all.

Until next time, this is the end of Your World.

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