June-July 1998 Articles:
Sex By Numbers
I LOVE SEX. I especially like the fact that they've made it easier for me by assigning different numbers to each sexual position. My favorites are 12, 9, 42, and 68. I often use position 5 with a combination of any four prime numbers, but anything divisible by ten will make my feet go numb for up to three weeks.
One night I got drunk and asked two girls to join me in some 7.45 (if X=9). They refused, but I imagined them both doing the 2. My girlfriend was OK with it cause she often fantasizes about a big ol' 38 giving her a high 5 before sending her into a hormonal fireworks display of ecstasy with a harsh repetition of 13's.
We were up all night last Saturday, and if you walked by her room you could hear her screaming "NINE ME!!! NINE ME!!!,(pant, pant) NINE M - I mean, TWELVE ME! TWELVE ME RIGHT NOW!!!"
She likes to be twelved. I tried to fourteen her once but she fractured her ankle. I can't 15 her though, but she says that's OK, she loves me anyway. I make up for it by giving her the 7 twice and then adding one.
Sometimes if I'm feeling stressed she'll let me pick a number. I've found that a nice 6 in Times New Roman is subtly more erotic than a 7 in Helvetica, even though they are essentially the same position to the layman. She'll seven me until the clarinet snaps and then she's forced to finish with a = of one percent, but only if she can hold that high C for the full eight counts.
Some people say sex before marriage is wrong. They say you can just 47 yourself until you get married. But others say you shouldn't 47, 89, 52, or 75 yourself at all. It's immoral. I used to watch my girlfriend 21 herself, and that was before we even started dating. Hence, the restraining order.
The surgeon general recommends a spermicide for positions 12, 25, 16, 97, 1984, R2-D2, PG-13, and WKRP. For positions 2, 75, Henry IV, 52, WD-40, and Ben Folds Five, they recommend a spotter, preferably one that can dead lift up to 300 pounds. Any combination of these numbers is considered life-threatening, and the college assumes no responsibility.
"25 or 6 to 4!" is the battle cry of today's sexually active youth. A close second is "Tippicanoe and Tyler, too!" Thanks to the people who brought us the Sears Craftsman Dual-Bit Power Drill with galvanized casing, girls can 58 each other. What wonders technology has bestowed upon us! Why, if lesbians even tried to 58 each other less than a decade ago, they'd have to become Catholic and give up toast.
I love lesbians. Well, it's a friendly sort of love. I can't actually "love" a lesbian. At least, not real ones who roam freely on the plains of Oklahoma and bite you when provoked. My father used to go lesbian trapping every spring. We even tried to cross-breed one with a soybean plant.
My father used to drink more than the recommended dosage of Children's DayQuil and that's why things like that would happen. It would also cause him to say things like "You wouldn't be here, son, if it weren't for the metric system."
I'm pro-lesbian, and pro-sexual freedom. I'm also pro-pro, protein-enriched, and pro-ne to violent acts. On top of that, I'm also pro-Life, but I like Candy Land and Monopoly as well. When I'm not being pro I like to recite pro-se and pro-tect pro-spectors. "Thank ya, dad gumit! There's gold in dem thar gad blammin' hills, sonny!" they reply.
Looks like I'm also out of room for this column. Until next time, kids, always keep your size 12's on the ground and always hit on anything lower than 15. Know when to walk away, and know when to run.
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