Welcome to Your World. Here we’ll look at what’s happened on this fine planet since last we met. Warning: you may not agree with my slant on things, you may even get pissed but, hey, that’s my job.

The Japanese can take their work ethics and super-cars and shove ‘em right up their ying-yangs! Those sickos have a much bigger problem on their hands. In a little known but well-documented report, it was discovered that young Japanese boys have been “busying” themselves with pornography lately. Yes, it seems that little Xian Chao (Japanese for Johnny) would rather sit in his room and polish his helmet than study diligently. So, ever the innovators, the Japanese have come up with a solution. The mothers of these boys, most of whom are in the 12-14 year-old range, have been performing “hands-on” favors for the kids if they get rid of the porno and get back to the three R’s. As Yakov Smirnoff said, “What a country!” Sure, it’s disgusting and nauseating to us, but dammit, you’ve gotta hand it to them (pun very much intended). I think if our American mothers had that much foresight and initiative, perhaps our country wouldn’t be as screwed up as it is. Wait, did I just say we’d be better off if mothers manually stimulated their kids?! I’ve gotta switch to decaf.

“Racism Is Over,” declared the headline in USA Today from several weeks ago. Oh, really? Apparently their circulation doesn’t reach the barren wasteland of Central Illinois because those folks have no clue. A teenager there, probably around 14, decided this was her last year to participate in the extravaganza that is Halloween. To make sure her last round of trick-or-treating went out with a bang, she decided to dress up as a member of the KKK, complete with racial slurs painted all over her sheets and hood. Pretty funny, huh? Not so fast. You see, my racially liberated friends, Little Miss Whitey donned her ensemble and strutted her happy ass down to the local Lion’s Club. There, she proceeded not only to enter their costume contest, but won it! Yep, she won it! Can you believe that s#$t?! And the judges? They covered their retired, unionized white asses nicely. One “lion” was quoted as saying, “She won for scariest costume because the Klan is scary.” Uh-huh. Whatever you say, massuh!

Oh, how the tables have turned. Remember when hunting was cool? Yeah, me neither. Hunting has never been cool. It never will be. It’s a waste of time, a waste of nature and, now, it’s starting to be a waste of humans. Excellent!!! Apparently the hunt-ers are becoming the hunt-ed. This has happened several times in the past month. It’s happened in Florida, North Dakota and the Carolinas. I say bravo! Shoot to kill, fellas! Bagging that 30-pound gobbler just isn’t as fun as it used to be? Shoot the fat guy! I do have one little problem though: apparently after shooting the hunters, the hunters (how confusing!) robbed them. That seems a little excessive. Let’s hear all the sissy hunters cry: “It’s not fair! You can’t just shoot at people like that. We aren’t doing anything wrong.” Hmm…I wonder what the animals would say. Listen, hunting is not a sport. Until you fat, stupid bastards can catch a deer with your bare hands, you’re nothing more than cowards. You have to have a big gun because you don’t have a big brain. It’s called an inferiority complex. You must feel superior to something and if it means spotting a deer at 500 yards through a laser-scope and then shooting it to hang on your wall, more power to ya! Fire away. Just don’t come bitching to me when your fellow hunters get tired of plucking quail from the sky and decide it would be more fun to bag a homosapien.

Sing along with me: “I was driving down the highway, highway 44, Johnnie let a fart and he blew us out the door, the wheels couldn’t take it, the engine blew apart, all because of Johnnie and his supersonic fart.” Sorry, just reliving my formative years. How about the hot new catch phrase: “Road Rage.” What in the hell is wrong with us?! What is so damn important about driving that we kill over being cut-off? “Hey asshole, you didn’t use your blinker back there!” BAM! That’s real cool. Just ask the kid doing life in California for killing a girl in a road rage incident. Oh, and did I mention, he was on a bike! This 19 year-old girl is driving to school in her car. She accidentally bumps this guy on a bike as he’s coming across the street. She pulls over immediately to check on him, he jumps off his bike, uninjured, runs over to her car, pulls a pistol out of his backpack and POW! Shoots her once, point-blank, in the head. Amazing, isn’t it? Why can’t we get our heads out of our asses about this driving thing? Why is everyone in such a rush? Look, Speed Racer, if you’re late, it’s your fault. You kept hitting your snooze button. You couldn’t get your lazy ass out of bed and now you’re late. Tough. Maybe next time you’ll remember. But don’t come tailgate me because I’m not doing 65 in a 55. And don’t whip around and cut me off because you think your car is cooler than mine. You’ll get yours. You’ll be talking to Johnny Law while I roll by on my merry way. Oh, and don’t think I won’t be wearing my shit-eating grin, sucka!!!

Finally, let me just say this about all of these lawsuits against “big tobacco”: THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM SUCKS!!! My Grandfather died of cancer. My father smokes and will no doubt get cancer. I understand the pain of losing someone to cancer. However, it doesn’t make it OK to blame someone else for your stupidity. I can’t speak for those people who started smoking 30 or more years ago, but if you started smoking since then, and certainly if you’re smoking now, you don’t deserve a dime. If you are choosing to fill your lungs with toxic fumes, that’s your own fault. No one owes you anything, including sympathy. How an entire state can win a suit against big tobacco is beyond me. However, the fat, greedy lawyers crying for their fair share is no surprise. Smokers or the families of deceased smokers winning wrongful death trials against big tobacco makes me sick. I just can’t understand how ignorance can make you a millionaire. I mean, that’d be as crazy as, say, if another woman sued McDonald’s because their coffee is too hot. Now that would be really ridiculous! (By the way, that was excessively sarcastic because it happened earlier this year.)

Until next time, this is the end of Your World.

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