Good news: AIDS is cured, the cancer vaccine is on the way and all other until-now-deadly diseases have been eradicated. Huh? Well, I thought they were since scientists now have enough free time to ascertain that freeze-dried mouse sperm can be used to produce regular mice by adding water. Sounds like I'm leading into a sea monkey joke, huh? We already knew sperm from people, cattle and some other animals is routinely stored via deep-freeze, but until now that rascally mouse sperm has been too arduous to freeze. Luckily, with cerebral palsy out of the way now, scientists can focus on more momentous things like freeze-dried mouse sperm because, you know, with the rapidly growing numbers of genetically altered mouse strains, it's getting expensive to maintain sperm viability through freezing. And, since mice are the missing link, we've gotta stay on top of this game. You know the funniest part of this story? We're paying for this! You and me, me and you, we're paying for these geeks to hook mice up to mini-ejaculator machines, catch the mini-sperm in mini-vials and mini-freeze it all in mini-deep freezes. Congress: PULL THE FUNDING!!! I'd rather see you buy another $1,000 toilet seat than fund this shit.
What do Scott Weiland, Robert Downey, Jr., Charlie Sheen and Bobby Brown have in common? OK, other than that their careers are over. They're all repeat offenders who continue to slip through the system. Why is this? Is it because their paper work invariably gets mixed up? There are already men in jail with those names so they think they're already incarcerated? How about this: they're stars, they're above the law and the judicial system in this country has no balls? How many times are we going to turn on the news and hear about a star getting in trouble with the law then getting out of it within 12 hours? Sure, Tommy Lee is finally seeing jail time, but how many other times was he arrested since the 80's and never saw a minute in the pokey? How about the recent case involving former Miami Dolphins running back Lawrence Phillips. Phillips was in a nightclub in Plantation, FL on June 27 and allegedly punched a woman in the face for refusing to dance with him. I say "allegedly" although Phillips has a history of off-field incidents. This makes his fourth run-in with the law since joining the Dolphins in December of 1997. Add to that his suspension for assaulting a former girlfriend while in college at the University of Nebraska, and it's pretty clear this guy has issues. Yet just days after the allegations, Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson cleared Phillips and will not discipline the running back (however, the team has now released him). Neither will the Plantation police force. They "allegedly" sent a report to the state attorney's office, yet no further investigations have transpired. Then there's NBA hooligan Charles Barkley. Barkley was recently let off for throwing a man into a mirror in downtown Orlando. Although there are numerous stories and eyewitness accounts, the most prevalent is that another patron threw ice and possibly a glass at him, so Barkley chased him outside, pulled him from a police officer and hurled him into the mirror. He then refused to cooperate with officers at the scene, earning him a resisting without violence misdemeanor. I don't think I have to recall Barkley's past for you -- punching fans, spitting on people, abusing cameramen -- you know the rap. Yet Orange County Judge C. Jeffery Arnold decided Barkley's actions were OK. He sentenced him to community service and a whopping $100 fine (and probably lifetime season tickets, but that's another story). Arnold, who, in his sentencing referred to Barkley as "Sir Charles" and said Barkley was not receiving any special treatment, is yet another example of this wretched system we call justice. Barkley is an asshole. He always has been and always will be; we can't do anything about that. However, we can get out there and vote the just-as-big-of-an-asshole, C. Jeffery Arnold, out of office. Just remember his campaign motto: "That's 'C' for coward!" It's time to stop being the patsies. If you hear about a case involving a star or athlete going to trial in your area, call the courthouse! Demand they treat the accused precisely as they would you, the tax-paying, law-abiding, animal-adopting, salt-of-the-earth working stiff who makes this world turn.
Note to self: If I ever write bad checks, don't give birth on the Internet. Elizabeth Ann Oliver, whose Internet-broadcast birth stirred the country on June 16, had another gig going. It seems Oliver, who was known only as "Elizabeth" to hospital staff and Net observers, and her husband were wanted for writing some 25 bad checks worth over $1,300. They then picked up the whole family and eluded police for weeks before finally turning themselves in on July 1 and 2. So who's at fault here? The Olivers for being the most feeble-minded people alive? The hospitals for not doing an appropriate background check other than "Your first name is Elizabeth, right?" How about the police for not recognizing the face of a couple whose pictures are wallpapered through their departments? Is anyone paying attention out there? I constantly hear how the nation is in peril because our youth will soon be our leaders. I've got news for you, the youth of America can't possibly do any worse than our leaders are doing right now. I used to wonder why we couldn't capture these "most wanted fugitives," but now I know: idiots are in control! A woman's face is plastered on every available medium in the world, and no one bothers to notice she's a felon?! Here's what you do: you put the Oliver's on house arrest for a year, fire the cop(s) liable in that investigation and move the hospital records folks down to bedpan scrubbing. Justice should be swift, not half-witted.
Right idea, wrong time: In Tampa, FL, a boy was expelled because his mom missed too many PTA meetings. In a contract that every parent at the school must sign, parents are permitted to miss two PTA meetings before their child is expelled. The problem is that the mom, Reba Alexander, has kidney failure and must visit the hospital regularly due to her declining health. The contract is a grand idea and it's long overdue, but unfortunately a little law called the "Americans with Disabilities Act" overshadows it. True to form, none of the pinheads in the educational system cared to recollect this law and they kicked the kid out anyway. However, being the caring people they are, the school board was hasty to right the wrong, as apparent in this heartfelt statement by school board attorney Oscar Blasingame: "She wants an exception, not an accommodation. If necessary, cry, let the tears flowŠthen when you get through with that sympathy, then get down to the facts and the law." What a sick sonofabitch. An exception?! Alexander simply wants her son to get an education. She is physically prohibited from attending PTA meetings because attending and missing her hospital appointments means death. Is that sympathy, Oscar? I'd call it common sense. You should get some.
Until next time, this is the end of Your World.
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