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Aug./Sept.'04 Articles:
The SHAC 7 & Democracy
Editorial: Kerry: The Only Option
Notes from the Cultural Wasteland
The Muddlemarch: 1
The Muddlemarch: 2
Conflict in Space?
Moore Truthful Lies
Remembering Ronnie
(music reviews)

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The Horrible Truthful Lies
of Michael Moore

by Adam Finley
art/Marty Kelley

IMPACT press is a bi-monthly magazine, and therefore, not many film reviews appear within its pages. However, the latest cinematic bromide by muck-raking rabble rouser Michael Moore has made me so livid that I cannot let it fade from our nation's theaters and collective conscience without exposing it for the misguided, insidious exercise in anti-American pabulum it is. The film, from start to finish, is nothing more than a series of lies about our president and the events that followed September 11, 2001. These lies are as follows:

1. Saddam had nothing to do with September 11.
Despite what the liberal media says, Saddam Hussein not only flew both planes into the Twin Towers, but he was also responsible for crashing a plane into the Pentagon, as well as hijacking the plane which was brought down in Pennsylvania. He accomplished this by splitting his molecules into four Saddam Doppelgangers, and then merging back into the Alpha Saddam later that evening. Osama Bin Laden later claimed responsibility, but his special power–the ability to produce an ever-enlarging ectoplasmic pseudopod from his chest–would not have allowed him to hijack all four planes.

2. Bush spent too much time on vacation.
You don't spend thousands of dollars on a boat just to have it sit in your driveway, people. It just isn't done.

3. There were no weapons of mass destruction.
This has become the mantra of liberals across the nation and the ignorant rallying cry of anti-war sycophants from all over the world. My one response to this ludicrous notion is: if there were no weapons of mass destruction, then what the hell were those things we dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki almost sixty years ago? They weren't teddy bears filled with tapioca, I can tell you that much.

4. "Teddy bears filled with tapioca" is a bad simile.
Wrong. It's a bad analogy.

5. Haliburton was given a lucrative contract because Dick Cheney once headed it.
This statement shows just how benighted the left has become concerning war and the myriad details that must be taken care of before soldiers even set foot on the battlefield. During tryouts for the war, it was the Haliburton team that was able to carry a single chicken egg on a teaspoon fifty yards without dropping it. Also, they scored first place in the potato sack race.

6. Bush ignored intelligence reports warning about a possible terrorist attack on September 11, 2001.
There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Korilian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out life on this miserable planet. The only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they do not know about it.

7. Wait, isn't that last line a quote from Men in Black?
Of course we should.

It may seem pointless to obsess over a single film, but we cannot allow propaganda such as this to be perpetuated without standing up and exposing it as a grossly subjective and equivocal exercise designed to coerce people toward a certain political ideology. In all of history, there is only one being who could be trusted absolutely. He had long hair, a beard, he dressed in white, wore sandals, and brought the masses together with his message of unadulterated love and compassion despite being scorned and humiliated by those he selflessly tried to help. That man is George W. Bush, if he dressed like Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine anything more sacrilegious than not putting our trust in him absolutely.

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Other articles by Adam Finley: