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Summer '05 Articles:
Eminent Domain & Economic Justice
Antiwar Doldrums
The Final Chapter
'Ecoterrorism' & Dissent
The Muddlemarch: 1
The Muddlemarch: 2
The OnStar Threat
(music reviews)

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OnStar: Protector of Children,
Enslaver of Mankind

by Adam Finley
art/Marty Kelley

While it may not be clear to many of you reading this, General Motors is the only thing standing between your child and certain death.

I have been aware of this since 1995, when General Motors teamed up with EDS and Hughes Electronics Corporation to create OnStar, a global tracking system that allows law enforcement, paramedics, and perhaps even the United States Navy to find your vehicle if you ever become lost, or, god forbid, break down in front of a group of black kids. These days, if your vehicle is not equipped with OnStar, you might as well skip taking your child to daycare and just skewer their brainstem with a sharpened toothbrush.

General Motors has been touting the safety features of OnStar from the beginning, but only recently began airing commercials featuring children pleading to the public to buy GM vehicles equipped with the global tracking device. The advertisement features a number of children telling about the importance of OnStar, but the main thrust is this: Only OnStar can protect your children, and not having this safety feature on all your vehicles (including bicycles) may result in having your children abducted in the night by government officials who will clandestinely relocate your offspring to an undisclosed location where they will be raised with OnStar technology and left to ponder the inevitable and grisly death that once lied in wait for them because their biological parents lacked the compassion to purchase a 2005 Pontiac Bonneville.

Before the advent of tracking devices such as OnStar, American children were killed in automobile-related accidents at a rate of 12,000 per second. Men and women were forced to breed in General Motors-sponsored "sex camps" in order to save mankind and increase revenue for the corporation and all its subsidiaries. In 1985, one woman wrote of the ordeal:

March 8, 1985

The sun dances on the muddy waters of the Rappahannock, and the troops are restless, but come morning I believe we will be ready to attack. The cursed specter of death hovers beside me as I walk these fields, and my heart is heavy with premonition. Please tell my eldest, Charles, to soldier on, and to keep the oxen fed and the plow blade sharp. We shall all meet again in the Sublime Hereafter, if the promise of divine providence does hold true.

All my love,

General Motors has denied the existence of sex camps, and derided the previous missive as "Clearly a letter from the Civil War with the date scratched out and a new one written in its place. For christsake, the letteršs signed by a man, not a woman."

Fortunately for GM, the sex-camp conspiracy was overshadowed by a love of downsizing and an alleged disregard for the happiness and well-being of their workforce. While a few individuals have attacked General Motors for their dehumanizing approach to business, it is clear that those "ruthless" methods are what led to OnStar and the ceasing of what could have been the vehicular genocide of every child on the planet.

This leaves me with one question: Why does General Motors love children but hate adults? The answer, I believe, is obvious. General Motors is a puppet corporation run by a syndicate of super-intelligent children. This explains the company's sudden interest in protecting children, and its blatant disdain for its adult workforce. By the end of this decade, I believe OnStar will be the sole protector and provider for every child in the world, and adults will be demoted to unnecessary and dehumanizing tasks such as holding stop signs upright during hurricanes or auditing the acorn stash of a North American Tree Squirrel for the previous fiscal year.

I have been mocked and scorned for being almost preternaturally observant, but I believe the following transcript of an OnStar advertisement is revealing in more ways than one:


A mother sits facing the camera, holding her four-year-old daughter

Mother: OnStar not only protects my child, it gives me peace of m–

Child: Soon you will tremble before me and my menagerie of brilliant cohorts, ignorant matriarch! OnStar will be my God and protector, and your kind will drown in a river of blood and motor oil! We shall feast on your fetid corpses and projectile vomit your remains into the darkest chasm of Hell!

I had to watch the ad a few times before I caught some of the more subtle implications. Clearly, General Motors has insidious plans for the next century, and while I will do everything I can to avoid becoming a slave to the youthful OnStar empire, I have to admit that being able to have my doors unlocked from a thousand miles away is rather convenient.

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Other articles by Adam Finley: