Oct.-Nov.1998 Articles:
The Race to be Florida's Next Governor

Mindpower: Love and a Big Butt

Spoil Your Inner Child

Preventing Rape: The Do's and Don'ts

Sexual Politics in the Workplace

(music reviews)

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Preventing Rape:
The Do’s and Don’ts

by Raymond Floyd

illustration/Marty Kelley


PSSST ... hey guys.

I just wanted to steal away a few minutes of your time to tell you not to rape women. Actually you shouldn't rape anything. Not even toasters, no matter how warm and flaky they make your Pop Tarts. Thankfully, it's a moot point to most men, but the latest Rape Prevention and Statistic Report (compiled by a branch of Male Delusion Enterprises) seems to have left that important bit of information out entirely. Without it, I think the report fails in many ways. See if you don't agree:

1998 Rape Prevention and Statistic Report

While a young lady should never blame herself if she becomes the victim of rape, certain things can provoke such an attack. Before you step outside, please ask yourself the following questions and make the necessary alterations so as to avoid the heartache and trauma that can cling to you in the aftermath of a brutal rape.

Do you wear tight clothes? More importantly, do they reveal skin?

Are you a woman? More importantly, are you a woman with a vagina? Women with vaginas are ten times more likely to be raped than women with an empty void where their crotch should be. If you have a vagina, remove it immediately, pack it in dry ice and seal it in titanium casing.

The woman who is most aware will ask herself three very important questions:

1. Is there something about me (long hair, breasts) that I could change to make myself look more like a fat unattractive man?

2. By wearing Chanel Number Five, which is advertised in Playboy, am I indirectly responsible for the brain washing of millions of innocent men?

3. Do I really have to go outside?

If the aforementioned suggestions do not work, and you become the victim of a rape, there are places you can go for help. Crisis centers operate in most large urban areas. If you're raped in a rural setting, quit your job, sell all of your personal belongings, put on a pair of jeans that are three sizes too big, an oversized sweatshirt and walk to the nearest city. Only walk during the day, and sleep inside chimneys after sundown.

As mentioned earlier, a woman must be aware of her body and the damage it can do. Always make yourself as unattractive as possible, unless you're married in which case you have no choice but to look good lest your husband leave you for someone with a greater sexual prowess. The key is balance; looking good for your husband but becoming grotesquely obese whenever you have to run to the supermarket. The trick is to eat an entire drum of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter on your way to the store, and then purge and do sit-ups on the drive home, using your knees to steer and having an impotent homosexual midget as a navigator.

Complete avoidance is more important than any sort of self-defense that you can muster. Try imagining yourself in a situation and how you would handle it. Here are some scenarios:


Man: Hello. What time is it?
You: 5:25.


Man: What time is it?
You: (Say nothing but grab the bumper of a passing car and let it drag you and your vagina to safety)

To conclude, it must be emphasized that rape is never the fault of the woman, but that by avoiding such obvious stumbling blocks as alcohol, drugs and voicing her personal opinions in public, she makes herself that much more at ease in these harsh, unpredictable times. •

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