Welcome to Your World. Here we’ll take look at what’s happened on this fine planet since last we met and then I’ll tell you how you feel about those happenings. And if you didn’t already think the same way I do, you certainly will.

O.J. Simpson must be pissed. First they take away his Heisman, his home and his car, and now they’ve jumped on the Cunanan bandwagon. Talk about insult to injury. Now then, Andy Cunanan. I know, I know, his name was Andrew, but I feel so close to him now. Don’t we all? I don’t know what was more humorous about the Cunanan case—the caretaker who demanded the reward for the arrest of Cunanan or the Miami police chief who demanded more credit for his department for their solving of the case. First of all, the caretaker, or “Mr. Somethin’ for Nothin’” as I like to call him, deserves nothing. NOTHING! Hey pinhead, you stumbled onto Cunanan in a houseboat. You didn’t know who he was! You had no idea! In fact, as I understand it, you didn’t even call the tips line. You called 911 because you were scared shitless. The rules said you get the money for “...information leading to the arrest and conviction...” You called 911 and told them there was a burglar on a houseboat. Furthermore, you led them to what eventually became a body. No arrest, no conviction. Now then, on to the police chief, or “Barney Fife” as I like to call him. To refute the caretaker’s charges, he proudly announced, “...this department deserves more credit for the capture of Andrew Cunanan. The reign of terror is over.” Your department deserves the same as the caretaker: nothing! You were tipped off, you idiot! Your crack team of investigators didn’t do dick (unlike Mr. Cunanan, may he rest in peace). You were acting on a call from a housekeeper about a potential burglary. You had no idea who was there on that houseboat. And if that was a reign of terror, you need to go back to Mayberry. Dumb ass.

The anniversary of Elvis’ death came and went again. I don’t know which bothers me more—that they still celebrate his death, or that they ever celebrated him. Elvis was a white guy who had a pretty good voice, decent looks (until he put on 7,000 pounds) and one more thing—a genius of a promoter named Colonel Tom Parker. He was the real hero. He took an otherwise dumb southern boy and marketed him up the ying-yang. Pure genius. Elvis sucked. Correction, Elvis still sucks. I’ve heard he “brought the country together.” And that back then “his personality brought us closer.” No, back then a little thing called the Civil Rights Movement brought the country together. Ever hear of that, One Tooth Willie? This celebration continues to embarrass this country. What the other citizens of this planet must think of us. I mean, what they must think of them. I will not be lumped in with Elvis fans. Certainly not the Elvis impersonator who said, “We all come together to celebrate the timeless spirit of Elvis. Cool attracts cool, you know?” Just shoot me now.

UPS went on strike. They cried like little sissies, got their way and now they’re back. There are thousands of lucky-to-be-working UPS a-holes in this country, if you ask me. Listen, you union jack-offs, it’s got to end somewhere. How much do you want? You did this three years ago and you just did it again, so I suppose I shouldn’t mail any packages around, say, 2000? It’s commonly known that the strike wasn’t over this full-time status crap. I didn’t hear one part-timer complain about making $10 an hour with benefits. It was over one-fifth, one-fifth, of your pension. How pathetic. UPS employees must go through money like shit through a goose. Try a savings account, you wankers! We all know how much you make and how disproportionately less you work. And don’t start bellyaching and whining to me about “hard work.” I’ve worked construction. I’ve walked a thousand miles carrying a 50-pound cement block in each hand, in the middle of summer, in the stifling humidity of south Florida. You’re bitching about carrying 40-pound packages to someone’s front door? Join a gym! You employees have no spine. You must have been the pusses who hid behind your big brother when you were challenged to fight. Don’t you see that unions are making money off of you? Without you keeping them alive there would be no unions. Speaking of unions, you must be the punk-ass bullies who beat up little kids because you were too damned scared to take on someone your own size. And how about Union President Ron Carey’s quote: “…they shouldn’t meddle in our business; we don’t meddle in theirs. We’re just trying to end this corporate greed.” You don’t meddle in their business?! No, you just shut them down, that’s all. And if corporate greed is your main concern, perhaps you should take a look at calling a strike based on one-fifth of a pension. Here’s my quote, Mr. Carey: “1-800-Go-FedEx.”

From the “Our judicial system sucks” file, comes the Dallas family who is suing their son’s highschool because he wasn’t chosen to pitch for the school team. The family, whose name I frankly don’t care about, is suing the school for $40,000, which is what they figure their little stud would have gotten in the form of a college scholarship. Listen, Mr. and Mrs. Fastbuck, your little Johnnie ain’t Nolan Ryan. He won’t be earning millions and, therefore, (gasp) you all may have to work for a living. He may actually have to take real classes and earn a degree, then go into the big, bad real world and work like the rest of us. If he can’t cut it in high school, he won’t make it to college and won’t be getting 40,000 in tuition. Playing runner-up to that family is the clan suing The Walt Disney Company because their child wandered “backstage” and saw Mickey and Minnie with their heads off. Let me just pause a second so I can laugh and shake my head in extreme disbelief… Thanks. Now then, Mr. and Mrs. Fastbuck, Jr., you know that little sign that says “Cast Members Only”? That sign means only cast members (i.e. Disney employees) can go back there. That doesn’t mean cast members and your snot-nosed kid. I worked for Disney. I wasn’t a character but I have seen the “backstage” area and it’s no fairy tale. That’s why they put up signs and chains to keep your little dreamers out of there. You don’t deserve anything. Stop snorting the pixie dust and get back to reality.

Lady Di is dead. It really is a tragedy. A conspiracy? Doubtful. So who’s to blame? The paparazzi, or “stalk-arazzi,” as I’ve heard them called? The blasted out of his mind driver who didn’t have a license to drive an armor-plated Mercedes? And before I forget, if anyone has one of those for sale, call me. That’s gotta be a sweet ride. How about the public? How about the public that buys those tabloid rag-mags? The rich, Prozac-inhaling housewives that love to gossip about JFK, Jr’s. abs? I’d say that’s where the real blame is. It’s called supply and demand, my friends. If there was no demand for the shoddy journalism and scandalous photos those papers run, there would be no supply of them. Still, you must put some of the blame on the magazines themselves. And what a pathetic job of covering their asses they’ve done about purchasing the pictures from the crime scene. You know the editors of every tabloid are kicking themselves right now because they didn’t run those shots. The Enquirer said, “We would never print that.” Yeah, well you didn’t mind when your paper’s headline read “Lady Di Can’t Get Enough Sex!” the very same day she was killed, and for the week following her death. No, you wouldn’t print something so terrible. However, I’ve realized a much greater, more fantastic tragedy in the wake of Lady Di’s death: the English have no oral hygiene! Could someone please send over 12 million cases of toothbrushes and toothpaste to them immediately?! Thank you. P.S. Please tell Elton John that it looks like a small rodent died on his head. Thanks again.

Proposition 209 was shot down in California. Congratulations, California! For those of you who don’t know what Prop 209 was (still is in the other 49 states), it’s affirmative action. Affirmative action was a bad idea from the beginning and hopefully it’s on its way out across the country. Affirmative action=undeserved privilege. Jobs should be given on the basis on talent and qualifications, not skin color. And, although the minority community would disagree, there are more minorities in the workplace than have ever been and their impact will continue to grow, regardless of affirmative action. Probably the most misstated quote throughout the coverage surrounding the defeat of Prop 209 was the “fact” that only one minority student was accepted into the University of CA at Berkeley law school. Correction! The fact is that 13, more than ever before, were accepted. However, only two accepted their acceptance (huh?), and only one showed up for classes. To Reverend Jesse Jackson—with all due respect—your “protest” was very reflective of the lack of support and organization affirmative action has these days. The Reverend promised to shut down the Golden Gate Bridge to show the opposition’s power. If you saw the footage I did, about two busloads of people showed up, and most of them were media brought in by Jackson himself. In fact, Jackson nearly didn’t show. He was late and the parade began without him. In the end, his protest turned out to be nothing more than a nuisance and police officials labeled it, “…a serious danger to drivers and pedestrians alike.” I guess that’s the humanitarian in Jackson coming through—putting people’s lives in danger. Way to go, Rev.

Until next time, this is the end of Your World.

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