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BLOCK-BUSTED
by Tor Hyams
art/Marty Kelley
Recently, someone took the time to write in to tell me that Fierce was a poor attempt at a good idea. Hey, we're only made painfully aware of this every time we look at our site. What's more, we're not the first to make a poor attempt. Look at almost every major corporation in America. Ahh, the perfect segue.
Before going any further, I must issue a disclaimer so I don't get sued. Nothing I am about to say is necessarily true. It is my opinion. Impact Press does not necessarily endorse what I write (hell, I'm not sure they even read it).
Class, let's get focused. Today I would like to talk about Blockbuster. Let's dick 'em in the ass! Whaddyasay?
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this corporation? They give money to the pro-life foundation. They support the Neo-Nazi foundation in Germany and, worse yet, you can never find any damn movie you want to see in the store. I get such a bad feeling every time I walk in there, I just don't know what to do anymore. Yet I still go in and in and in. I don't know why I do it. It doesn't feel like I'm addicted, but I suppose I am.
That's how the Blockbastards do it. They hook you like pushers. First, they open a new store about three feet away from your house (the core of Blockbuster's marketing plan is to be in walking distance of every person in America and eventually the world -- you'll remember this premise as it was also tried by Hitler). Then they have all that blue and yellow all over the place saying "rent me." (The Nazis wore red and black). Finally there's that cute little pimple-faced Gestapo staff they have who are completely unhelpful and won't let you use the bathroom unless you're part of the master race, the corporate master race.
You see, there is very little difference between fascist dictators and these insane corporations that are trying to take over the world. They both seek dominance. Doesn't that scare anyone else but me? They also put everyone in uniforms. What is most telling, however, is that they're always offering some kind of VIP card or something. This year it is the frequent renter card. This way, if you rent 5 movies, you get the 6th one free. Hey, don't get me wrong, I love this kind of marketing. In fact, it always works on me (I probably drank 25 Jamba Juices the day I got their card). The only kooky thing about Blockbuster's attempt was that you had to pay for the card! Are they kidding? Ten dollars to eventually get a free rental that's worth $4. What crack marketing whiz thought of that one? They must have been high.
Dick: Hey, George, how about we do one of those card incentive programs?
George: Cool. But I don't think Heir Blockbuster would want us giving anything away.
Dick: No, George, we'll charge them for it. Listen to this. We charge ten dollars and then do a free movie after five rentals. That's a four dollar loss for the rental.. But we actually make six dollars on the deal.
George: Genius! But do you think people will go for this?
Dick: George...c'mon now. This is America.
George: Right. I didn't think of that. Adolph is gonna love us for this. Whaddya say we go nail some Jews to a cross?
Dick: Cool.
Apparently, they weren't high, but you can be sure I'll be smoking something if I'm ever in Blockbuster again. Please, people. Don'št let them take over the world. Support your local mom and pop.
The following has been a public service announcement from deep within the camp where Tor is currently being held.
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