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by Susan Sterling

illustration/Marty Kelley



After all these years of lying in your bed next to an inert male form, with inert male parts, he's going to pop some pills and become the world's next lothario.

Now, don't get me wrong (oh what the heck, go ahead and get me whatever way floats your boat) impotence is nothing to be scoffed at. It's embarrassing, it's a strain on the relationship, it's obviously unfulfilling, and if you can fix it, there's nothing wrong with that. I'd be the last one to lambaste someone for medical problems that cause ANY failures to perform from kidneys to no-kid-in-me's ... BUT ...

The little blue pill may bring instant life to the man (or the woman who is taking it), but does this bring instant life to the relationship? In theory, empowering a man with a new sense of sexuality should additionally recreate his earlier feelings of love, passion, and romance that accompanied the love making he and his mate shared when the love making wasn't from pill taking.

For example, take Christopher Reeves (and would I EVER ...). By all accounts and their own admission, he and his wife are still the same loving couple they always were, and Viagra® is the least of his worries. A pill to stiffen his spine is surely more what he'd have in mind at this point. Romance was always there, and, therefore remains when certain other abilities have gone.

But, give a pill to a man with a limp heart and a limp ... well, he'll STILL be a man with a limp heart. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Lead in the pencil doesn't necessarily create an author.

Did I perchance miss the fine print on the bottle, "CAUTION: causes prolonged periods of romantic gestures, taking this pill will create the insane desire to shower your mate with affectionately written love notes, user is subject to spontaneous purchase of gifts to illustrate aforementioned affections, hugging will occur constantly, inability to curtail winking and hand-holding may require user to spend inordinate amounts of time with significant other"?

Puh-leeeze, women! Just because your guy finally stands at attention, this does NOT mean you will get the attention you have been standing by them for 'lo these many years. The guys have suddenly deemed themselves the world's newest gigolos and now according to the news reports, they're leaving you to pursue someone else.

Okay, so I'm a romantic, so I think there are things more important than PERFORMANCE! But, this is merely my thought, but then again this is MY article! And I seriously doubt I am alone in this opinion. Viagra® has taken the male world by storm, creating a whole new race of senile sex maniacs who want to show off their new toys in new playgrounds.

No matter that Viagra® may cause blindness and baldness ... you have to make a logical choice here, you might not see anything, including the clumps of hair on the bedsheets, but at least you'll do more than sleep on those sheets. As a matter of fact, it might be a good idea to get some nice percales with a 30,000 smile warranty! Then again if you're going to go blind and can't see anything, why seek out some young bimbo to share your new toy? Wouldn't it be a good idea to be with your significant other, the one who has loved you NO MATTER WHAT all these years ... just in case you're also one of the unlucky ones who has the heart attack from taking it?

Wonder if it's a reaction to the pill ... or just too much extra activity? It's sexercise men, and if you've been lying about in front of the TV ignoring your wives and using "limpy" for a resting place for your can of beer, you can't suddenly expect your whole body to perform as admirably as this one little part.

Don't you get it guys? Erection without affection is dejection. Don't take the pill FOR play, if you're not gonna FOREplay. Don't do the dance without the romance. If you can't hug 'em when you plug 'em, maybe we need to put geriatric-proof caps on the bottles.

A prescription for romance, that's what's important. Bottle that and we've got it made. The Doctor is in. •

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