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Idiot n. -- 1. A mentally deficient person with intelligence in the lowest measurable range, being unable to guard against common dangers and incapable of learning connected speech. 2. A foolish or stupid person. 3. Jerry Falwell.

I couldn't believe it myself, but there it was, right there on page 343 of my American Heritage Dictionary (office edition). Jerry Falwell is, by definition, an idiot. For those of you who missed it, Falwell made the revelation of the decade when he pronounced Tinky-Winky (the purple Teletubby) gay. In the February edition of his National Liberty Journal, Falwell made the following statement about Mr. Winky: "He is purple -- the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride symbol." All I can say is thank God (no pun intended) for Falwell! It's about time someone cried foul about those fag Teletubbies. And how about outing Bugs Bunny while you're at it? That carrot? Please, if that's not a phallic symbol, I don't know what is. Not only that, but he obviously has an oral fixation; he always has it in his mouth. What about "Woody" from the movie Toy Story? The makers of that movie no doubt named him that so when little boys got their Woody doll for Christmas they'd say, "Look at my Woody!"

Jerry Falwell
Folks, I think Falwell has finally lost it. I can't blame the guy -- everything he touches turns to shit. The Moral Majority? Bust. Liberty University? Tens of millions of dollars in debt. Why, it's even been reported that a member of his own family, his aunt's son is...hold on to your seats...GAY! Does that make him a sinner by association? I guess he's exhausted from trying to find the anti-Christ which is purported (by Falwell) to be living among us. Falwell doesn't know who it is, but he does know it's a Jewish male. Maybe he's still reeling from having been caught accepting $3.5 million from Sun Myung Moon, whose own theology suggests Christ was a failure. Whatever the reason, Falwell is desperately clawing for media attention and a saving grace.

At first I found his accusation toward Mr. Winky laughable from a consumer standpoint. Is Falwell so out of it he doesn't know purple sells? Barney? Raisin Bran? Dino? Take a stroll down the aisles of a toy store, Jerry. Kids see purple and they must have it. It's called marketing. Perhaps if you knew a little more about it your university wouldn't be in shambles and your Moral Majority would still be in existence.

Then I thought of it from a real-life perspective. Homosexuals exist, Jerry. They're real. Maybe Tinky-Winky is some sort of role model. So what? You were sheltered as a child and probably didn't know about gays until about a year ago, but maybe a role model would combat the hate spread by your fellow Bible thumpers. Maybe if kids were raised to be more understanding and tolerable of other people they'd be less likely to beat them and leave them for dead, tied to fenceposts.

Remember that story, Jerry? Probably made you smile, huh? How about spending your time working on your own flock? Why do pastors continue to molest children? Why do church leaders go on stealing from their congregations? Why are you wasting your time on children's shows? Besides, you've missed the biggest gay-promoting kids' show of all time: Davey and Goliath. You may claim it was a religious Claymation show, but I don't think many of us were fooled. That was bestiality at its finest. Davey? How gay was he?! Tall, slender, very neat...that's 110% gay! By the way, Jerry, the BBC just ordered an additional 105 Teletubbies episodes, bringing the total episode count're gonna die when you hear this...365! That means one episode of Mr. Winky and his gay antics every single day, all year long!

Almost as stupid as Mr. Falwell are Linda and Glen Padilla of Eustis, Florida. Back in late February the Padillas were walking through their local Wal-Mart Supercenter when something startled them so badly that Mrs. Padilla "almost passed out and wanted to scream." They were at the meat counter, looking at all the raw animal flesh when there, amongst the other perfectly normal meats, was a whole pig's head wrapped in cellophane! This offended the couple so much that they stormed up to the manager and demanded it be removed from the otherwise beautiful setting. Mr. Padilla told the Orlando Sentinel that Wal-Mart "shouldn't be grossing out their customers like that." Padilla further claimed, "I watch horror films and that kind of thing, but when I saw that pig's head, it grossed me out. I wanted to puke."

Wal-Mart removed the pig head and filled the void with the much less offensive neck bones of other pigs. The Padillas, who claim to refrain from pork, are obviously unaware that pig head is a bit of a delicacy in the Southern US and Eastern Europe. The irony here is incredible, isn't it? I'm not a vegetarian but I do find it quite unnerving to walk the meat aisle. It's entirely morbid but I'm so hooked on a good steak I can't stop. (And I don't want any vegan hate mail printed on recycled paper with organic ink, so don't bother.) What's even more ironic is Mr. Padilla is probably an avid hunter. I mean there are only two things to do in Eustis: shopping at Wal-Mart and hunting. What about the seafood case? There are whole fish in there! Whole shrimp! Live lobsters! This is acceptable? Oh, right, this is Eustis, they don't have seafood there, only stuff you can plug with a .12 gauge. I think I'll call the Eustis Wal-Mart and order me a pig's head. For delivery, of course.

Richard Ashby
More idiotic, but not as surprising as either of these cases, was the acquittal of Captain Richard Ashby, whose jet flew into an Italian gondola cable, killing 20 people more than a year ago. This is absolutely inexcusable and is nothing more than the military protecting its own. Relations between the U.S. and Italy have been strained since the accident and I would only hope this continues until real justice is served.

Ashby's defense attorney said a number of problems confronted his client in the seconds before his jet hit the cable -- the spotty altitude gauge didn't warn him he was too low and the ground rose 150 feet during the last seconds before the mishap. Although that looks good on paper, the truth is that people living in the Alpine ski area had long complained about low-flying jets from Ashby's base. Ashby was flying over 100 mph in excess of the speed limit for that area and was some 1,600 feet lower than the altitude restriction for the area. Even if there was a sudden 150-foot rise, it doesn't begin to explain why he was flying that low and at those speeds. Ashby said he was unaware of the altitude restriction (isn't that called negligence?) and an optical illusion made him believe he was higher than he really was. I don't know what kind of illusion Ashby saw, but to misjudge his altitude by 1,600 feet he must have been smoking some kick-ass dope. Had I known the Marines offered such perks, I would have signed up. "The few, the proud, the wasted."

Until next time, this is the end of Your World. •

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