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press April-May 1998 Articles: ArtsPolitik MindPower: Divide and ConquerYour WorldQuickies
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sodomize society by Raymond Floyd Contrary to popular opinion, I really don't enjoy sodomy. Giving or receiving. I know this comes as a shock to a lot of people who know me, and especially to those who have heard me say on several occasions, "I wish someone would sodomize me right now." But I really have no room for such recreational activities in my life at this time.
But I could. I mean, the age of consent as far as sodomy goes is 14 here in Iowa. Which makes sense because I believe it was at that time that I decided to start shoving things up my ass. I'm just glad I lived in Iowa and not Arizona where sodomy is defined as a crime against nature. Of course, in other states, "crime against nature" is a subjective term as well. You could very well run over a squirrel and not even realize you've committed sodomy. Which wouldn't matter as long as the squirrel was at least 14.
I believe Florida (which prides itself on being the only phallic symbol that can be viewed from space without a telescope) to be the worst, however. Florida law prohibits both homosexual and heterosexual sodomy, and defines sodomy as either anal or oral sex. This law, which essentially controls the sexual practices of private citizens, will undoubtably change. Not only because of its intrusive nature, but because it is a proven fact that states that allow oral sex have a higher tourism rate.
Sodomy, at least according to one definition, is any contact between the genitals and anus, or between the genitals and mouth. However, the concept of sodomy differs greatly from state to state, as well as person to person. The only logical way to come to a true definition, obviously, is to look at the word itself.
"So," according to Julie Andrews, is "a needle pulling thread," followed by "domy," so obviously, beyond any trace of doubt, we can deduce that this tells us absolutely nothing.
So why is sodomy such a big deal? I have my theories. One is that if you put something in water, the water level will rise. I call it the "displacement" theory. But you were probably wondering about sodomy. The reason sodomy is such an issue today is because of its origins in Christianity.
Moses: God? I'll give a hypothetical situation that we've all been in at one time or another. You've taken your girlfriend out to see Lady and the Tramp and she says to you, quite clearly, "Bend over the seat while I strap this mother on."
Your Mind: What state are we in?
You: Iowa.
Your Mind: OK then, go right ahead.
That's assuming you enjoy that sort of thing. And apparently, a lot of people do. I've heard of girls who enjoy it more than actual sex. But why? Why is it some people will willingly invite large foreign objects into their nether regions while others are completely repulsed by it?
That's not an easy question to come to terms with. Typically, when a person says "please do not sodomize me," they aren't asked "why?" or to explain themselves. However, a person who says "Excuse me? I'd like you to sodomize me. Hello? Anyone?" must present hard evidence (tee hee) that would show a legitimate reason for wanting this.
The idea of "let people do what they want" is a good idea, theoretically, but people too often interpret it as meaning "I shall do whatever I want." Which is why we have to tell some people they can sodomize their wives, but not their children, but they can sodomize their wife's children, provided the child is over 18 and has a note from her teacher.
A lot of people pertain their theory of licking flagpoles in January to sodomy. How do you know if you like it if you haven't tried? For most, it's not a matter of liking it or not, it's a matter of time constraint. After years of tiring research I've decide that it would take approximately three years to sodomize a person. Two and a half years to convince them, and another half a year to decide on the best position for the activity. Of course, this varies from state to state.
Whether or not anyone wants to talk about this subject is irrelevant. What is important, however, is that, after decades of arguing about it, we might finally be able to get oral sex in Florida.
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