The Column for people with too much time on their hands

Big-Dog who we love more than oxygen:
What diseases can you get from cunnilingus? Also, if semen is made up mostly of fructose, why does it taste so salty?
Salty Bob

[question reworded and name changed because I lost the damn paper it was written on. You got a problem wit’ that?]

Okay, Bob. My first query regards the odd combination of sexual acts you have described here. They seem, well, incongruent with one another - but we here at the Dog Pound tolerate all sorts of deviations, provided the deviants in question send us plenty of cookies.

The first part of your question is the easy part, but a more convenient wording would be, “What diseases can’t you get from cunnilingus.”

Cunnilingus, by the way, is orally stimulating the female genitalia. It is derived from the Latin cunnus, meaning ‘vulva’ (the external sexual organs on a female) and lingua, meaning ‘tongue’. Someone who performs cunnilingus is technically referred to as a ‘cunnilinguist’.

Back to the question at hand (or at tongue...).

According to the Center for Disease Control, the only sexually transmitted disease which you cannot acquire from being a cunnilinguist is ‘Trichomoniasis’.

Little comfort considering the multitudes of other diseases ready and waiting to latch on to you and make your life distinctly uncomfortable.

From one extreme to the other (or one gender to the other) we venture into the composition of male ejaculate (a sticky topic. chuckle...).

Here is a by-note for the record: I called a sperm bank in order to clarify some lingering questions I had and the charming young lady in the lab told me (appropros of nothing) “No, it’s not good to put it on your face.”

Just thought I’d pass that along to anyone who cared.

Yes, you are right that semen contains fructose (a naturally occurring sugar), but I would hardly say that it was mostly made up of it. The sugar is in the seminal plasma (the liquid that surrounds the spermatozoa) in order to give the sperm something to munch on while they make that long journey to the egg. Sort of like munching on a Snickers bar during a basketball game, though I would hardly recommend gulping down a quart of semen if a candy bar is not to be found. (The average male ejaculation, by the way, measures in at about 3 milliliters - less than a teaspoon).

But what the heck is in it?

Secretions from the seminal vesicles, Crowper’s glands, and a host of other glands (testicles, by the by, produce a very small amount of the actual volume of an ejaculation), human prostatic fluid (yum!), spermatozoa, proteins, zinc, lipids, polyamines, and citric acid - which you will find in many of your favorite snack treats! No artificial colors or flavors; though what a man eats can (so it is said) change the flavor just as certain foods can change the odor of bodily wastes. Maybe you should feed him a bunch of chocolate before engaging in any activities where you are liable to swallow semen. Can’t hurt to try...

Many bodily fluids (sweat, tears, urine) are extremely saline in nature. The mix of all these glandular secretions is obviously no exception.

Dear Mad-Dog:
I won’t eat beef, but I eat chicken like a crazy man. This causes me to wonder, how many chickens does KFC go through in a year?
Crazy Chris G.

Go through? If, by that, you mean how many chickens do they pluck, chop, and serve to non-beef-eating pansies like yourself... it’s a lot.

The latest statistics I could find on KFC’s poultry genocide are dated 1994. They’re still tallying up the death-toll for 1995-96, so you’re just gonna have to cope.

In 1994, KFC sold 2.4 billion pieces of chicken. Approximately 1.1 billion of those pieces were sold as meals (which we shall return to shortly) and I strongly suspect that the majority of them disappeared down the foul and cavernous gullet of Jesse Helms.

To sell 2.4 billion pieces of poultry necessitates the dismemberment of many, many chickens. Where do these pieces-parts come from? This is where the column becomes interactive. I have a quiz for you which you should answer and return to my address below. The winner, chosen at random, will have the privilege of throwing me a party at their house and showering me with gifts and women and beer (or gifts OF women and beer). So where do these 2.4 billion pieces of poultry come from?

A. A sacred cow grazing in a pasture in India.
B. The hardware store.
C. Some guy named ‘Slug’ who sits on eggs for fun.
D. This is stupid. Get on with the damn column before I go turn on the TV to the All Geraldo Network and watch it until my brain shuts down in a desperate attempt at self-preservation.

Send those answers in. Winner will be announced next time!

In order to sell 2.4 billion pieces of chicken, KFC sent 274,000,000 chickens on past the great divide to that big ol’ chicken coop in the sky. If you were to lay 274,000,000 (scientifically noted as 274 poultry-mega-deaths, or pmd) chickens end to end, head to claw, IF you can lay 274 pmd chickens end to end, which I doubt, because those little buggers keep getting up and running around, they would circle the equator 10 times, or Dom DeLouise’s waist 2.6 times.

So, back to the meals. In the course of selling 1.1 billion meals, KFC also sold potatoes. A lot of potatoes. Each meal comes with 16 ounces of ‘em. So, if your average potato weighs in at 4-8 ounces, you can see that were talking about mass potato demise.

Those meals also come equipped with gravy. In the U.S. alone, KFC sold 15.2 million gallons of gravy, enough to fill 1,250 swimming pools and clog the arteries of an entire third-world nation. Something that beer will never do.


Mad-Dog: Master of the Universe
123 Ball Hill Rd.
Milford, NH 03055
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